I recently changed the title of my blog to "Scared to Death to Love the Way I Once Did."
I rummaged around my brain to try to find a title that would be more fitting than said title, and I came up empty. I truly am frightened to love the way I once did... more than I can say in a few words. I am a very honest and unique individual... there are so many layers and levels to me that even my closest friends have yet to figure me out. People I have known for years have been shocked at the metamorphosis of me as a child, teenager and now an adult. I have never been one to hold back my feelings and be truthful with those around me. I certainly have put myself out there many, many times and have come up short with the love I am getting back. I often feel like the natives in 1492 who traded gold for Christopher Columbus' worthless corn. I give gold and receive corn.
I am scared... no, terrified to DEATH to be hurt again like I have been so many times in the past. I'm afraid to be real with anyone anymore... I'm afraid to share my secrets with my 'close' friends... I'm afraid to put myself out there... I'm afraid to let someone become a best friend... I'm afraid to love again... I'm afraid to live life because I am afraid of being rejected.
I sit here slumped over and unable to find a reason to breathe evenly or to continue to press into these lettered keys and form words. I seek normalcy and consistency, something I never thought I would. I have an itch to travel. Maybe I just need to leave this town and do some soul searching. I'm on a mission to find myself again...
<3
Sarah
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Chapter 11: Fear
Posted by Sarah Barbie at 8:46 PM
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3 comments:
wow i definitely know where you're coming from with this one. sometimes i feel like i should keep loving like i always have but other times it's like what's the point
The girl I like right now sounds like she's going through what you are and it's pretty tough. I do my best to be understanding and patient, but it's clear that there's only so much I can do since it's about her coming to terms with how she feels. I'm trying to stay optimistic, though, because I think it's worth taking the risk despite past pains.
One word of advice (at least something I've certainly learned from experience): traveling is fantastic, it helps you to find yourself and allows you to escape the places that trouble you the most...
... but then you have to come home! Don't be afraid of what will be, let it come at you full-force and embrace it whole-heartedly. Without pain you can never find love, which is probably the most difficult part.
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