Chapter 13: Luckiest

People often label me as a drama queen. I'm not going to deny it but I certainly will elaborate on that degrading stereotype. My whole life I have been very emotionally connected and not afraid to express that. This label has never really hurt me, it has always made me laugh though. I've never seen a problem in someone who is honest and faithful to their emotions.

With that being said, I really enjoy going through old blog posts and being able to tell the exact emotions that I was feeling at the time. Sometimes it really upsets me and I feel pain, real pain that is so strange. I am glad I write these things down though, it is interesting to go back and remember those times. And remember how lucky and grateful I am now.

I haven't really announced or told anyone what I'm up to out here in California. People are so nosy these days and don't actually care, they just want another piece of gossip to spread or another friendship to fake. Ends up that I met this guy on the train to L.A. to see a friend... well.. never mind, not going to elaborate on that friend haha there is no point getting into THAT. I digress, I met a guy who brought me to this random meeting in L.A. with some rappers who were hilarious and ended up loving me. Just so happens that one of them was a manager and knew some pretty amazing people (and happened to think I was hilarious and pretty and very talented). Since this paragraph seems long enough and I doubt anyone is ambitious enough to read down this far, I am gearing up to work with a producer who has written for Disney and many other big names. He wrote "Getcha Head In The Game" from High School Musical and went triple platinum with that single alone. He has also written for Hannah Montana and various other things. I'm still waiting to get the ball rolling but he is an INSANELY talented dude and I am the luckiest. When I left my first meeting with him I basically cried the whole way back to San Diego, I was so happy. I was watching my dreams come true after only 2 weeks of being in California!!! How does that even happen? It's meant to be, that's how. I can't wait to start the process, this all feels really unreal.

I haven't really talked about it because A. we haven't started working together yet and B. people are just obnoxious and I don't want any drama going on surrounding my music career. Miley deals with drama, not this no name right here haha. Seems like I deal with just as much as her sometimes.

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

I am genuinely happier than I have EVER been in my entire life.

... and I love, LOVE that people are STILL so fucking interested in whether or not I'm working at Disneyland. HAAAAA. As soon as I met with this producer I emailed them to let them know I wasn't interested anymore. Yet people STILL ASK. "No, I won't be pursing a $9.50 an hour career doing parades when I can be making an album and actually LIVING my dream." Ughhhhhh.

Anyway, I am immensely happy. And if you read this far, I hope you are too. :]

Boys... hmm.. I'll just say this. I have had the same guy in mind for about 6 months now. He seems to be clueless and I'm not about to make a move and ruin our friendship. But it's problematic because I compare EVERY guy I meet to him. Still trying to figure out how to deal with this.

Carpe diem <3

<3
Sarah

Chapter 12: The Start of Something New

I always do this.

I make a commitment to write down my thoughts and I never manage to! I feel like such a failure, haha. Lets be honest, I do these for the most part to look back on and remind myself of the trials and other crazy things that I have been through.

Where did I leave off again?

Oh, yes. Another failed relationship. Why do I feel like that was so long ago? Oh wait, it was!! Since then, I made a pact to myself to stay away from dating. I wear a single's ring [Google it haha] and really avoid men in general. If you know me, you'd think this would be impossible... I used to chase after love like it was my job and try to make myself a lovable person. I realized that love will wait for me... I'm sure someday I'll meet my prince charming who will sweep me off my feet and surprise the hell out of me. Until then, I will not be so aggressive and upfront.. I will let love find me. :]

That being said... it doesn't mean I'm not crushing. But we'll leave it at that, haha. :]

What is more important than all of that relationship banter!? I MOVED TO CALIFORNIA. :] I literally just picked up my life and moved. My life being my new rhinstoned Taylor acoustic, my 3 suitcases packed with clothes, and my TV. Huge move. HUGE move. It's my first time living on my own and it's been quite exciting. :] I have a lot of friends in this area and I am so happy to be here. There was a bump in the road with my previous living arrangements because of irreconcilable differences so I ended up moving down to San Diego with one of my best friends Victoria. Couldn't have made a better decision! My mom was here to help me unpack and also didn't like where I was living so I'm glad I decided to move elsewhere. Only about 2 hours from LA, and let's face it that isn't that far! And I have a few friends there who I can stay with for auditions and such, yay! I've been contacting all of the producers and etc who were interested in me and trying to get stuff going. Sending out like a billion headshots to different agencies haha it's insane.

In a nutshell... boys = icky unless they're my prince charming, growing up, taking chances, moved across the country away from the Disney bubble, living my dreams :]

<3
Sarah

Chapter 11.5: For Zack

Hi Zack, my little muffin!!! Kisses!!



<3
Sarah

Chapter 11: Fear

I recently changed the title of my blog to "Scared to Death to Love the Way I Once Did."

I rummaged around my brain to try to find a title that would be more fitting than said title, and I came up empty. I truly am frightened to love the way I once did... more than I can say in a few words. I am a very honest and unique individual... there are so many layers and levels to me that even my closest friends have yet to figure me out. People I have known for years have been shocked at the metamorphosis of me as a child, teenager and now an adult. I have never been one to hold back my feelings and be truthful with those around me. I certainly have put myself out there many, many times and have come up short with the love I am getting back. I often feel like the natives in 1492 who traded gold for Christopher Columbus' worthless corn. I give gold and receive corn.

I am scared... no, terrified to DEATH to be hurt again like I have been so many times in the past. I'm afraid to be real with anyone anymore... I'm afraid to share my secrets with my 'close' friends... I'm afraid to put myself out there... I'm afraid to let someone become a best friend... I'm afraid to love again... I'm afraid to live life because I am afraid of being rejected.

I sit here slumped over and unable to find a reason to breathe evenly or to continue to press into these lettered keys and form words. I seek normalcy and consistency, something I never thought I would. I have an itch to travel. Maybe I just need to leave this town and do some soul searching. I'm on a mission to find myself again...


<3
Sarah

Chapter 10: The Clock Still Turns

Hearts break, and the hands still shake.
People die, and the seconds tick by.
Liars unlace, and the numbers emit grace.
Tears burn, and the clock still turns...

No matter what is going on in the world, in someone's life, in a family, or wherever... time will still keep passing us by. There is no reason to dwell on things that could have been left behind seconds, minutes, hours, months, or multitudes of years ago. If people in the world could keep this thought in the back of their head and learn to forgive and let go of the past I believe this world would be so much more functional. People may learn to work through their problems, friends may remain friends, countries may form new alliances, families might reconnect...


That being said, I hate when people tell me that I rush into things. You know, if you don't just get off of your rump and go for something you never know if that opportunity could fall through your fingers like sand through a fist. I have always been one to always tell my heart and my head to shut it and go with what my gut is telling me to do. I am a very emotionally connected, independent woman and I know that sometimes I may seem a bit overbearing but that is just me. If you can't appreciate me for my strong will and passion, then you can't appreciate ME.

Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive.

<3
Sarah

Chapter 9: Square One

I can't believe what I am about to say, nor can I believe that it even happened. I am still soaking it in.

Last night, as Dan and I were chatting on Skype (our usual nightly routine), I was trying to discuss why I had been so upset and was hoping he would be understanding. The response to my discussion was not pleasant and it was not what I was prepared to hear. "Well, then I need to break up with you."

I have been hurt, controlled, violated, used, scared, cheated, beaten, and lied to in the past... I have cried my share of tears and broken my share of hearts. I have never been so apathetic to something so devastating before. When I left my first real boyfriend, I cried. When someone I thought I truly loved gave his heart to another, I cried. When cancer took my Uncle Paul, I cried. When Austin lost his life to a metal trap called the monorail, I cried.

To this, I sighed. My heart felt heavy and used once again. I picked up all of the memories I could find and put them in a neat pile. My charm bracelet lost some weight. My computer desk stands bare. I was first overwhelmed with a sea of salty tears running down my face. I went straight for the alcohol and lost myself in what had just happened to me. After about 15 minutes, that had ended. I was strangely and scarily content. Friends flooded my phone and Facebook with concern and passion. All of them were worried when my responses were clear and well-spoken.

As I look back at the things I did and the things I said, I have no regrets. I gave it my all for 4 1/2 months. I couldn't have done anymore than I did. I never went to other guys to get attention, though my other half needed that attention from his girl friends. That is something I could never accept. I figured that him and I would at least stay in contact... I was wrong. He deleted me and all of my friends from his list and made his profile private. It is times like these I thank God he lives as far away as he does.

So for now I'll just have to forget the ring we picked out at Tiffany's, the cruise we were supposed to go on for my birthday, the trip to North Carolina to see my grandparents, our trip to Italy to pick out a location to be wed, our future childrens' names, the vow "You are my life now."


I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you,
And the dress I wore when you broke my heart.
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where,
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far.

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.
Unless you come around, so come around.

I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night,
You came on to me and opened up my heart.
I was hollow then till you filled me in, now I'm empty again.
I should have never let it start.

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.
Unless you come around, so come around.

No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do.
But you're the only one, you are the only one.

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.
Unless you come around so come around,
So come around, so come around.

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you....
And the dress I wore when you broke my heart.

Goodbye to you.
3-1-09 to 7-14-09

-Sarah

Chapter 8: Changed

I stumbled upon my blog after months of forgetting to write down my thoughts. I am so flustered with myself! I swore I was going to keep up with this but I didn't. I'll work harder, promise!

I read through the seven entries on my blog and was taken back to a time when nothing mattered... when I was in such a deep depression that I knew I would never surface. Let's just say that changed on a date I'll never forget... February 25th, 2009.

When you wake up from a nap groggy and confused, stupid decisions are often made. Going to an ex's house when you haven't talked in months and getting back together with them, jumping in the shower as if the next day is already here, going to DISNEY WORLD on your day off. I did the latter. In Fantasmic rehearsals to kick some ass on the top of the mountain, I woke up from a nap and asked my mother if she would accompany me to go see Fantasmic. She was confused as well, but I hopped up in my pajamas and my Dream Along With Mickey hoodie and flew into the car seeing as we left really late. Of course, we got there and there were absolutely NO seats. So upsetting! I, being optimistic, went to the very bottom of the venue and walked across the front trying to find a seat anywhere I could. Little did I know, an adorable Englishman had seen me from the moment I entered the 9,000 seat arena.

I finally spotted a seat! I rushed up the concrete stairs with my mom and eyed up the silver bench with just enough room for us.

"Would you like me to check if anyone is sitting there?"

... who said that? I thought to myself. Taking a second look, I noticed someone sitting in front of said seat that I was checking out and giving me a sly smile. I nodded and he replied that no one had claimed the bench. I was excited to sit down behind this cute man with an even CUTER accent. As I passed behind him, I put my hand on his shoulder and said "Thank you" (a detail I had forgotten). The moment I sat down, his friend Victoria was chatting me up. He then turned around and began chatting with my mom and I, commenting on her fantastic camera. He switched places with Victoria and we chatted some more. I learned about his dancing business in England, his piano playing, and how excited he was to be on his first trip to America. I, of course, told him I worked for the company and told him what I was learning in the show. Throughout Fantasmic, I was telling him bits and bobs about the show that only I would know. The fireworks at the end of the show were just the cherry on top of a chemistry filled 30 minutes. Such a short time to be so frazzled and nervous around someone. At the end of the show, I was crossing my fingers that he was going to ask for my number, or at least my name. As soon as the mysterious Englishman stood up, he asked if I had a Facebook. I quickly shouted "SARAH DANIELS" much to my embarassment. He smiled and told me his name... Daniel Murrell. A name I would not soon forget.

To make a long story short, we spent his second to last day in America at Disney's Hollywood Studios. It was one of the best days of my life. I didn't have to try to impress him or try to say the right things or try to look my best... it just fell into place. He dragged me onto Tower of Terror (I had avoided it since it was built) and I regret fully not purchasing the ridiculous picture that was taken during the ride. We returned to my house to have a chat with mom and to show him around Celebration (what a great place to show someone from another country). We talked nonstop and had the most beautiful evening chatting away with my parents and drinking wine. I knew I had an early rehearsal the next day, so we jumped into my car so I could drive him back to where he was staying. My heart broke as we had to say goodbye. He hadn't shown me one glimpse of affection all day so I was certain that there was nothing more than friendship here. Before I got back in my car, we hugged and he kissed me on the cheek then said something that stuck: "Please don't hurt me." I was confused for just a moment when I said "I don't plan on it." And then I knew. I had never been more certain of anything in my entire life. Just a day in the park with someone from another country that I would probably never see again. But that wasn't the case... I knew I would see him again. I teared up and jumped into my car. I left as quickly as I could. To my surprise, not even Taylor Swift could pull me through this wave of emotion. I drove home in silence.

I had absolutely no idea what had just happened, just that the butterflies flying around in my stomach had appeared out of nowhere. I had never felt this way about anyone or anything before. I thought I had years ago... but this was not even COMPARABLE to that. I felt respected, I felt beautiful, I felt dignified, I felt nervous, I felt prepared, I felt wanted, I felt better than I had ever felt. Finally I had something I deserved after so many years of despair. God sent me my miracle.

That was much more longwinded than I expected, but I figured I may as well get it all out before I ended up bursting and having to tell the story one more time. It has been nearly 4 months now since we have been officially together, and I'm already ready to spend the rest of my life right next to him. I spent 12 days in England in April and he recently was here to spend 2 weeks with me. Every moment has been perfection, and I'm cetain it will continue to grow into something even more beautiful than what has already blossomed.

How's that for an update?

*sings* If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...

<3
Sarah