Chapter 9: Square One

I can't believe what I am about to say, nor can I believe that it even happened. I am still soaking it in.

Last night, as Dan and I were chatting on Skype (our usual nightly routine), I was trying to discuss why I had been so upset and was hoping he would be understanding. The response to my discussion was not pleasant and it was not what I was prepared to hear. "Well, then I need to break up with you."

I have been hurt, controlled, violated, used, scared, cheated, beaten, and lied to in the past... I have cried my share of tears and broken my share of hearts. I have never been so apathetic to something so devastating before. When I left my first real boyfriend, I cried. When someone I thought I truly loved gave his heart to another, I cried. When cancer took my Uncle Paul, I cried. When Austin lost his life to a metal trap called the monorail, I cried.

To this, I sighed. My heart felt heavy and used once again. I picked up all of the memories I could find and put them in a neat pile. My charm bracelet lost some weight. My computer desk stands bare. I was first overwhelmed with a sea of salty tears running down my face. I went straight for the alcohol and lost myself in what had just happened to me. After about 15 minutes, that had ended. I was strangely and scarily content. Friends flooded my phone and Facebook with concern and passion. All of them were worried when my responses were clear and well-spoken.

As I look back at the things I did and the things I said, I have no regrets. I gave it my all for 4 1/2 months. I couldn't have done anymore than I did. I never went to other guys to get attention, though my other half needed that attention from his girl friends. That is something I could never accept. I figured that him and I would at least stay in contact... I was wrong. He deleted me and all of my friends from his list and made his profile private. It is times like these I thank God he lives as far away as he does.

So for now I'll just have to forget the ring we picked out at Tiffany's, the cruise we were supposed to go on for my birthday, the trip to North Carolina to see my grandparents, our trip to Italy to pick out a location to be wed, our future childrens' names, the vow "You are my life now."


I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you,
And the dress I wore when you broke my heart.
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where,
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far.

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.
Unless you come around, so come around.

I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night,
You came on to me and opened up my heart.
I was hollow then till you filled me in, now I'm empty again.
I should have never let it start.

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.
Unless you come around, so come around.

No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do.
But you're the only one, you are the only one.

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.
Unless you come around so come around,
So come around, so come around.

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you....
And the dress I wore when you broke my heart.

Goodbye to you.
3-1-09 to 7-14-09

-Sarah