Chapter 7: Reality Check

Just a quick reality check...

I just thought about how many times I've been stabbed in the back in the past couple of months by people who called themselves my "friends." I'm wondering how many REAL friends I have anymore... I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this horrible reality...

"She's as weak as the hearts she breaks."

<3?
Sarah

Chapter 6: Beauty From Pain

A moment ago, I was sitting in front of my computer as I am now, crying. Sobbing, even. This is a nightly event, and has been for as long as I can remember. I got up to sneak into my bathroom and wipe the evidence away when I stopped for a second to glance in the mirror. I stared for just a minute as the tears continued to stream down my face. Someone once said to me:

"You're one of those girls who is more beautiful when she is crying."

I couldn't decide whether to take offense to it or not.

But, it's true.
I'm a lot more beautiful when I'm in unbearable pain and sadness...

Someday someone will show me how to be breathtaking when happy...

<3
Sarah

Chapter 5: The Music In Me

I think a lot. Correction, I think constantly. As I speak to people, I over analyze everything that's happening. I read if they are honestly listening, or if they're just being fake as everyone else is and pretending to care. I notice these things and gain respect or lose faith in people instantly. Though you may not, I notice who talks to me when. There are some people who only talk to me, and I mean ONLY when I am in a wig and makeup. There are some people who only speak to me if I'm working at their location, or if I'm their partner, or if I'm in their unit, or if their friends are talking to me, too. I have a photographic map in the back of my head that keeps these memories clear so I can relive them. I've decided not to accept the negativity and back stabbing anymore. I know who you are, and I will start avoiding you.

I digress, that is completely off topic. I've been thinking lately [shock] and I noticed that I only write music at certain times in my life... when I'm ridiculously emotional.


I've been dating a lot, and realized that all of the guys I've dated and have gotten sick of haven't inspired me in the least. I decided that if something isn't good enough to write a song about, I'm not going to waste my time on it. Music is my life... it keeps me going when I'm at my worst, and keeps me on top when I'm at my best. I could write a hundred different songs about the high and low points of my life and that's how I want it to be. I never want to lose my inspiration... I want to have something magical, painful, thoughtful, or emotional to reflect on.

This is a work in progress, but I'm sure you can see what I mean:

"I've been taking a look at the crumbled, old map of my past...
the disappointment in my eyes appears evident to you.
The things that you said, the lies I've been led, the truth is so dead.

My finger skips over the rough parts: meeting you, loving you, losing you.
The charming sparkle in your eyes when you whispered you loved me,
the smooth way you slipped that leash around my neck to control me...

How could you?
... Why would you?"

And this was written when reflecting on how stupid and naive I can be at times. It's called "Control Freak." One more verse and a bridge and it's a song! :D

"I wake up
7 o'clock in the God damn morning
just like you asked me to
I'm so over you

In the car
driving 85 so you'll stop bitching
about how I'm always late
when it's only 8

Then we fall back asleep
lather, rinse, repeat.
You've got my head aching...
then you wake up saying

Change your makeup, change your hair,
change what you wear around me.
I was too blind to see
Forget your friends, forget your dreams,
forget everything but me.
How stupid could I be?
And now I'm here waiting,
watching my heart breaking.
I'll no longer ignore and turn the other cheek...
baby, you're a control freak."

As cheesy as it may be, I relate so much to the song from High School Musical 2 "Music In Me." If you aren't enough to be the music inside of me and my inspiration, get out! There's no need to waste my time on you. I want everything! I want pure magic... and I won't rest until I get it!

This is all so random. I just feel like people don't get me, and don't realize that I'm a real person too. I have flaws, feelings, emotions, problems, fears, regrets, insecurities... I'm not perfect. I never will be... and I wish people would stop expecting that of me.

Be the first to realize I'm more than that. I urge you.

<3
Sarah

Chapter 4: Impacted

There's an hour left of Halloween and tonight. I quickly remembered, while handing out candy dressed as a mermaid, why it's my favorite holiday. The joy on everyone's faces seeing other costumes and the creativity of others around them and the smiles that grow wider every time a child sees another piece of candy awaiting them. What naivety; just a small item that can be devoured and gone in a flash brings such happiness to people. I closed my eyes tight for a second while feeling a chilly breeze go straight to my bones and remembered the complete bliss I once had. It brought a wide smile to my face... something I didn't expect. I spent the rest of the night listening to soft acoustic music without losing that smile. I even giggled out loud to myself from time to time. That's what I'm missing: bliss.

I was chatting over sushi today about the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have been dating a lot lately and falling very easily for a few of the boys [not men in the least] that I've been seeing. But then, after just a few measly days, I am COMPLETELY over it and never want contact with said person again. What the hell!? I've always been like this. There have only been two male species in my life that I haven't gotten sick of after a week or so. One of them was an abusive asshole and one of them is too far away from here to give me the time of day anymore. I hate remembering how much they didn't annoy me. I always wanted to see them. And I realized that's what I need right now; I can't force a relationship, I have to NEED the person or feel as though I'm going to have a complete meltdown. I need a homebody... someone who doesn't want to go out all the time, who just wants to sit at home with me and watch TV or talk. That's the most comfortable for me. I need someone who needs me just as much as I need them... no more, no less. And I will wait as long as I have to to find this man... I promise this time.

<3
Sarah

Chapter 3: The Boy With Potential

Here I sit, eating sugar-free Jello like it's my job. And it kind of is. I'm trying so hard to lose weight, and denying french fries is so hard. I LOVE CARBS. But on weight watchers sugar-free Jello is a free food so I can eat it until I BARF! And Block Party gives me 2 activity points so I can eat 2 more points for the day! This is easy. I'm going to lose weight so fast!

Back to the point... I met a boy. No, no... stop your assumptions right there! Not one of THOSE... the ones who I only go on a date with for free food ['cause who's going to deny free food when you work for Disney?]. So, in a nutshell [seeing as I'm not planning on giving any juicy details on my blog, sorry folks], I had a beautiful, amazing, fabulous, and every other magical word you can think of night last night. I'm not used to people being able to keep up with me... like, how much I talk, the stupid awkward things I do... so this is refreshing. There is potential lying within this one. And I like it. I look forward to the next few months to see what they hold.

I got hair extensions. And now I look like Hannah Montana. But they're just human hair clip-ins so I can take them out whenever they start to bug me. I'm obsessed with them. I have an unhealthy obsession with long hair. This will be my 2nd set of extensions. I'M IN LOVE.

PIXIE HOLLOW OPENS ON FRIDAY. I can't freaking believe it. No, wait. Rewind. I can't FUCKING believe it. I've been waiting for a year to be in this room. I thought it was never going to happen... and here it is. I hope it's everything I've dreamed it would be! Oh, God. I am SO gay.


Days like today are the days I live for. Driving around on such a blustery day without a care in the world except for when I'm going to see said boy again. Days like this are how I define myself; enjoying the weather with my dearest friend Cait on a whim and making each moment last. I like to capture days like today mentally... like a picture I can go back to and remember the happiness, the light in my eyes. That's something I wish to have for the rest of forever... a light in my eyes to show the world how strong I am and how happy I am with the woman I've become... and the woman I will be eternally.


Ah.
Pure magic.

<3
Sarah

Chapter 2: Media and Infidelity

So, today as most of you know, I was called to do a filming for www.weather.com where they're going to be advertising Disney's new theme: What Will You Celebrate? There will be a section of the website where you can create your own virtual parade starring you! Along with you in the parade, you can add whatever Disney character you want! I did a green screen filming for the website and I felt SO cool!! All of these lights and cameras and filters and props... I felt like a celebrity. They just basically had me animate in front of the green screen as if I was in the parade waving to the guests. So, I would curtsey, blow kisses, spin around, be cute... haha. They did a close up shot of just my face as well. They wanted me to look lik eI was spinning around on a teacup so they took apart an office chair and I spun on it HAHA. I finally feel like casting recognizes my work and the passion I put into what I do. So, once the website is up, I'll post it here... and I encourage you to put the cutest girl in Wonderland into your parade!! ;p


I have always been the kind of girl to be completely blunt and honest in every situation. I don't like being hurt, so I figure no one else wants to hurt either. If I'm honest with those around me, I hope to get the same honesty back. Nope. Instead, things are just kept from me and I am lied to for months before having the truth revealed to me. I feel so betrayed... I can't even find the words for how I feel. My hands are shaking and my breath is shortened... and it's only because I've been lied to. That's all. The situation is out of my hands, and I would love to watch the people in it crumble and get hurt just like I did. From a certain person involved I expect this immature behavior. But to have a "friend" and a "big sister" keep these things from me is to turn around just before being stabbed in the back and be stabbed straight in the heart.

Trust no one but yourself... it's not worth the pain.

<3
Sarah

Chapter 1: The Follower

I've been jumping on a lot of bandwagons lately [to my dismay], so I figured I'd jump on this one as well. I'm the worst at keeping up with blogs, but I suppose I can put forth SOME kind of effort this time. Now we'll just have to see if I can come up with enough to talk about... enough to not piss people off, I should say. ;]

For now, I can leave you with this...

Pixie Hollow is opening on Friday and I couldn't be more excited. I've been waiting over a year for this now and I can't believe it's finally happening. What a dork I am... I've been reading all the Disney Fairies books and I'm so prepared that it's sickening. I'm also quite excited for a filming I've been asked to do... in Wonderland, of all places! It's for a new Disney website-thing where you can create your own parade with floats and characters and all sorts of good stuff. I can't wait.

Also, I decided yesterday that I'm going to go on a diet. Okay, okay... I say ALL THE TIME how I'm going on a diet and I never follow through. Well, I'm getting fat to put it simply. Not fat enough for anyone else to see, but it's getting on my nerves. So, I'm doing this for myself. Not anyone else. Just me, little Sarah.

Love life... oh goodness. What a roller coaster ride it has been! There's either 400 guys, or none. I can never settle. I suppose since I went through the worst few years of my 19 year old life in a terrible relationship I'm looking for all or nothing. I'm either looking for something ridiculously serious or nothing at all. At least I'm not settling. And what is with people at Disney doing ridiculously cunty things behind my back only to tell me the truth months later? What is with the dishonesty and disrespect of people at this place? I am so amused everyday to find out new, blackmail-worthy information that I can't wait to bring up in everyday chit chat. I digress... I'M just having fun and going with the flow. That's all I need to say about that. ;p

So, that's that. Stay if you will, the intensity will rise within the forthcoming weeks.

<3
Sarah

EDIT: The Studio DC Almost Live show on the Disney Channel cracks me up... there's an episode where Demi Lovato sings "This Is Me" with Beaker... and it makes me pee. YouTube it!