Chapter 5: The Music In Me

I think a lot. Correction, I think constantly. As I speak to people, I over analyze everything that's happening. I read if they are honestly listening, or if they're just being fake as everyone else is and pretending to care. I notice these things and gain respect or lose faith in people instantly. Though you may not, I notice who talks to me when. There are some people who only talk to me, and I mean ONLY when I am in a wig and makeup. There are some people who only speak to me if I'm working at their location, or if I'm their partner, or if I'm in their unit, or if their friends are talking to me, too. I have a photographic map in the back of my head that keeps these memories clear so I can relive them. I've decided not to accept the negativity and back stabbing anymore. I know who you are, and I will start avoiding you.

I digress, that is completely off topic. I've been thinking lately [shock] and I noticed that I only write music at certain times in my life... when I'm ridiculously emotional.


I've been dating a lot, and realized that all of the guys I've dated and have gotten sick of haven't inspired me in the least. I decided that if something isn't good enough to write a song about, I'm not going to waste my time on it. Music is my life... it keeps me going when I'm at my worst, and keeps me on top when I'm at my best. I could write a hundred different songs about the high and low points of my life and that's how I want it to be. I never want to lose my inspiration... I want to have something magical, painful, thoughtful, or emotional to reflect on.

This is a work in progress, but I'm sure you can see what I mean:

"I've been taking a look at the crumbled, old map of my past...
the disappointment in my eyes appears evident to you.
The things that you said, the lies I've been led, the truth is so dead.

My finger skips over the rough parts: meeting you, loving you, losing you.
The charming sparkle in your eyes when you whispered you loved me,
the smooth way you slipped that leash around my neck to control me...

How could you?
... Why would you?"

And this was written when reflecting on how stupid and naive I can be at times. It's called "Control Freak." One more verse and a bridge and it's a song! :D

"I wake up
7 o'clock in the God damn morning
just like you asked me to
I'm so over you

In the car
driving 85 so you'll stop bitching
about how I'm always late
when it's only 8

Then we fall back asleep
lather, rinse, repeat.
You've got my head aching...
then you wake up saying

Change your makeup, change your hair,
change what you wear around me.
I was too blind to see
Forget your friends, forget your dreams,
forget everything but me.
How stupid could I be?
And now I'm here waiting,
watching my heart breaking.
I'll no longer ignore and turn the other cheek...
baby, you're a control freak."

As cheesy as it may be, I relate so much to the song from High School Musical 2 "Music In Me." If you aren't enough to be the music inside of me and my inspiration, get out! There's no need to waste my time on you. I want everything! I want pure magic... and I won't rest until I get it!

This is all so random. I just feel like people don't get me, and don't realize that I'm a real person too. I have flaws, feelings, emotions, problems, fears, regrets, insecurities... I'm not perfect. I never will be... and I wish people would stop expecting that of me.

Be the first to realize I'm more than that. I urge you.

<3
Sarah